Buggered if I know...

2009-11-07T15:48:00.001+10:30

The Last Day on Earth
Kate Miller-Heidke

Look down,
The ground below is crumbling.
Look up,
The stars are all exploding.

Hey yeah, hey yeah oh
Hey yeah, hey yeah

It's the last, day on earth,
In my dreams, in my dreams,
It's the end, of the world,
And you've come back, to me.
In my dreams.

Between,
The dust and the debris.
There's a light,
Surrounding you and me.

Hey yeah, hey yeah oh oh
Hey yeah, hey yeah

It's the last, day on earth,
In my dreams, in my dreams,
It's the end, of the world,
And you've come back, to me.
In my dreams.

And you hold me closer than I,
Can ever remember being held,
And I'm not, afraid to sleep now,
If we can stay like this until.

It's the last, day on earth,
In my dreams, in my dreams,
It's the end, of the world,
And you've come back, to me.
In my dreams.

Hey yeah, hey yeah oh oh
Hey yeah, hey yeah

In my head I replay your conversations,
Over and over 'til they feel like hallucinations,
You know me, I love to lose my mind.
And everytime anybody speaks your name,
I still feel the same, I ache, I ache, I ache inside.

In my head I replay your conversations,
Over and over 'til they feel like hallucinations,
You know me, I love to lose my mind.
And everytime anybody speaks your name,
I still feel the same, I ache, I ache, I ache inside.
I ache, I ache, I ache inside.
I ache, I ache, I ache inside.
I ache, I ache, I ache inside

Not a perfect match... but it's close

2009-11-07T14:03:00.000+10:30

Bleeding Love lyrics
Songwriters: Mccartney, Jesse; Tedder, Ryan;Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass before you know it you're frozen

But something happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found something true
And everyone's looking 'round, thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush
That comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness I see your face
Yet everyone around me thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see

I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away but they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

You cut me open
And I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love

2009-11-03T19:34:00.002+10:30

So confirming what's been pretty obvious for a while now - I'm taking a break from blogging.

Things in the 'real' world have just gotten very intense and full on. And I can't write about them now. I'm still processing them in my head.

I will be back.

And when a heart breaks...

2009-10-05T18:59:00.002+10:30

I think he has a girlfriend.
I think he's been seeing her for a while now.
I wish he would just tell us.
I wish it was something that he felt he could.
But he's always joked that he never would tell us if he did.
But she's come to some of our games and one of our training sessions.
She's been at his place when I've gone around to pick him up.
And it pisses me off when he doesn't let me know she's there ... just expects that I won't mind the extra passenger.
And maybe pisses off is too strong an emotion to attach to this feeling.
Maybe it's that I'd appreciate just a little show of respect, to not be taken for granted.
But maybe I've let him take me for granted.

And my heart hurts.

I hate that I like him as much as I do.
I hate that I can't shut him out.
I want to know why I can't meet someone like him who likes me.
Why do I have to keep falling for guys I can't have?
Why is it that guys who seem to like me are never guys that I want to be with?

Dear Universe,
Please. Please. Please... could you swing it so that a guy just like him only available and interested in me (and just a little bit older would be nice I think) comes into my life? Please? And give me the awareness to realise it.
Thanks.
MissE

HOLY CRAP!

2009-09-28T10:27:00.005+09:30

So I just discovered that I am currently smaller in clothes size than I was when I finished my Grad Dip in Education. That was 11 years ago. Holy crap!

How did I make this discovery? Well, there's this Halloween party coming up in a month or so and I'm trying to think of possible costumes I could go in and I remembered that I have this very long, elegant, gold skirt that I had made for the big party/dance that we threw ourselves at the end of our studies. I also remembered that I haven't been able to zip that bitch up in a long bloody time. So I thought, 'What the hell. I bet I can get it to zip up now. Cos I have to be at least as small as I was back then.'

So I get said skirt out of the wardrobe, and whadda you know, it bloody well zips up. Not only that, it's loose. That's right, my avid listen... readers, LOOSE! I may have had a small heart attack at that realisation. And the reason for that would be that, as I discovered after I took the skirt off and looked at the label, the skirt is a size 20! A smaller size 20 than most of the other stuff of that size still hanging in my wardrobe cos I hate getting rid of clothes but I know I'm going to have to soon, but you know what? who cares cos OH MY GOD I am the smallest I have been in OVER A FUCKING DECADE!

And that would be the other reason why I'm taking this whole weight loss/change my body thing so slowly. It took me 10 years to pile on all that excess - I want to give my body time to adjust. I do not want to end up with big folds of excess skin like you see on some people who've gone from being overweight/fat/obese/whatever to being slim/slender/less fat/whatever in a really short period of time. So I'm going to stay on my slow and steady path looking towards my goal of 80kg by Christmas 2010. And when I fall off the wagon and eat crap and don't exercise for a week, I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to remember that I am wearing size 16 jeans from JeansWest, that I have already gotten rid of over 30kgs, that I am doing this without help from any programmes or food replacements, and get myself back up on that wagon and keep going.

Edit: And I'm sorry if the tone of that last bit offends anyone. Cos it occurs to me that it could be seen as me dissing overweight people or something. But I'm not. And I don't. Meh.

So according to the mighty quizzes of Facebook...

2009-08-31T23:11:00.001+09:30

I am really a:
Dreamer
You dream of something more... you imagine yourself living different lives, you imagine yourself living in different times. You have a creative and free spirit. The kindest of hearts, you encourage the dreams of others. Your life is a mesh of fantasy and reality; you have the unique ability to whisk yourself away in times of hardship and sadness; you have the ability to imagine and believe in bigger and better things. Enduring and strong, you need only yourself, your imagination, and your will to find your way.

...and...

Does my guy-pal like me?
He's Sending You Mixed Signals
This guy is super-confusing. Sometimes it seems like he's crushing on you, other times it seems like he's just your best buddy. He's probably just really flirty. Watch him more carefully. What does your intuition say? Catch him staring at you? Maybe he does like you. Catch him staring at the new girl? He probably doesn't.

It's wrong that money is making me smile, right?

2009-08-31T22:43:00.003+09:30

Hurrah!
Tax cheque in the mail when I got home.
Lovely life preserver of moneys!

Wooo!

Will save some.

Will spend some.

On my things I'd like to buy list (not sure if I will or won't get all of them):

* an external hard drive to back up my computers on (any recommendations? I want something I can plug the laptop and the desktop into...)
* a new iPod... cos mine has gone walkies in the biggest way
* size 16 jeans... might do some shopping around on this one and see what's available
* new sports bra... cos the 'girls' have gotten a bit smaller and the current bras aren't really doing their job
* some new tops...

and I'm thinking I will pay out my gym membership. I dunno... still thinking about that one.

Later.

Nice when the weather fits your mood... (It's bucketing down rain outside... angry angry rain)

2009-08-29T12:58:00.003+09:30

Do you hear that?
That frustrated screaming noise?
Yeah - that'd be me.

Right now I'm thinking seriously about chucking in the study, applying for all these full-time teaching jobs, getting one of them, moving out and being pissed at my parents for a while.

Barring that... I think I'll do the latter for a bit.

ARGH!

"We are supportive of whatever you want to do, MissE."
"We're more than happy to support you financially while you take on these studies, MissE, so stop feeling guilty about it."
"Here are more full-time teaching jobs you should apply for, MissE."
"We really would like to retire soon..."
"Why don't you apply for this job that you're not actually qualified for, MissE, because surely the added stress of learning a new job on the job full-time while attempting to study as well won't be a problem at all."
"Well, how should I know what you're qualified to teach?"
(OH GEE, I DON'T KNOW, DAD. MAYBE BECAUSE I'VE ONLY BEEN A TEACHER FOR OVER A FUCKING DECADE NOW AND I'VE TALKED ABOUT IT A BILLION FUCKING TIMES. BUT THAT WOULD REQUIRE YOU TO ACTUALLY FUCKING LISTEN TO ME, WOULDN'T IT? AND YOU REALLY NEVER HAVE.)

I feel so utterly trapped right now.
And you know what?
They're right... money can be the most destructive thing. Because, right now, as much as I love my parents for their help with the whole unemployed thing... I hate how dependent I am on them. I hate how they are constantly giving me mixed messages about this whole thing. One minute they're all "Don't feel guilty or ashamed about us giving you money, MissE, we don't mind at all." and the next minute it's all "Here's 50 more jobs your father's found for you and we would like to be able to retire in the next two years, you know."

And I know that in the greater scheme of things, this situation of mine is so far from a real problem or difficulty as to be from Earth to the rim of the galaxy... but you know what? I don't give a fuck. It's my problem. So to me, right now it is the galaxy. And it's eating away at me.

No matter how many times I try to explain to my father that full-time teaching and study are not a mix that I want to cope with (and that I seriously doubt I would cope with), he doesn't hear it. Not really. The fact that my little sister has chucked in teaching for a fucking desk job appears to have made minimal impact on my father's attitude. I swear, somewhere in his head, he equates my teaching job with the sort of load that a Uni lecturer might have. He does not fucking get it.

And I want to scream.

I want God/Fate/The Universe/TPTB/Whoever to give me a fucking clue. Cos I thought this was the right path, this one I got myself on while searching for a job... a path that I thought would work. But now I'm thinking, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

GOD!!!!
You know, it really hurt that he threw that line about "How should I know what you're qualified to teach?" at me today.

Maybe I'll go for a run/walk.

Well, that's a surprise...

2009-08-28T10:30:00.004+09:30

Been thinking lately about what I might regret if I were to be told that I was going to die tomorrow. (Not that I am, folks... just that having people I love die makes me think this way at times.)

And there really isn't much that I would. I mean, yeah, okay... the whole sex thing. Sure. But I don't know that it would be a regret so much as a "Well, that would've been nice but, oh well, guess it's not to be" kind of a thing.

In fact, there is just one thing that comes to mind when I consider possible regrets... and it isn't one I expected (honestly, it isn't). I would regret not kissing him. And I mean really kissing him. I think the change in my attitude towards this (cos previously I had no regrets over him and my unrequited affection for him) was his and my half-drunk flirtations after my Graduation. Him kissing me like he did (as non-event as it was) seems to have flipped a switch in my head. And now, now I know that some part of me would go to my grave regretting not kissing him. Properly.

So I guess the question then becomes... what will I do about it? And right now, I have no idea.

How about you? Is there something you would regret?

Edit Update: How's this for eerie? Two years and a day ago I wrote the only other post that gets the tag of "Unrequited love is the worst kind to have" ... and the relevance to today's post is a little scary.

Drabble Drabble Drabble...

2009-08-27T02:41:00.003+09:30

A while back Peter (the delectable Canadian) challenged his readers to write a drabble. I didn't cos... well, I couldn't get my arse in gear at the time. But I was inspired. And I introduced SK and TY to the idea. So we challenge each other. I failed to deliver three drabbles last week - so as a penalty I had to write at least two more... I wrote four extras. And cos I'm in that kind of mood - I'm sharing them with you. The theme was "Longing" - don't know if I've succeed at all...

Leaning back in her chair, Sarah watched the people walking past the food court. She couldn’t understand how they could just keep walking. Didn’t they smell all the delicious possibilities? Just thinking about it made her inhale deeply, closing her eyes to focus on the moment. Fried chicken, salty chips, peanut-rich satay, hamburgers and the indescribable smell of Chinese food all mingled in her sinuses. She couldn’t help but sigh, imagining the taste. It all smelled so good. Opening her eyes, she gazed around the various options. There. Him. Busy shoving another burger into an already full face. Delicious.

It really was frustrating. Watching her move. So elegant. So graceful. Almost feline. And everyone noticed. Everyone saw her. Everyone paid attention when she entered the room. Men and women. All of them caught in her wake. She didn’t have to dodge around people, didn’t have to manoeuvre around clusters of conversations that never opened to include her. She simply moved and space was there. Conversations lapsed into silence. And then clamoured to include her. Not for the first time Dina felt an overwhelming urge to stick out her foot, just once. Bring Aphrodite to her knees. Just this once…

He opened the album again. Faces long gone smiled up at him, grinning back down the years. The ghosts of his past echoed in his ears, their voices young and full of promise, of hope for the future. But the future had turned into the present and just as quickly into the past, breaking its promises and etching the loss of hope deep into the faces of his friends. They’d followed the piper, danced to his military tune, believing in tales of glory. They’d all been old before their time. Staring at the smiles, alone for too long, he wept.

It didn’t matter how long she stared or how many times she hit shuffle, the letters refused to play along. They stubbornly remained incomprehensible. Nothing more than a random collection of alphabet pieces; running heavy on vowels and the least friendly of the consonants. She sighed. Stared at the computer screen for a while, trying to ignore the gleeful little chirrup from MSN. She hated how the game turned her into a whiner. Made her feel universally stupid. It was as if her entire vocabulary jumped ship the moment she logged in. Surely she was smarter than this… wasn’t she?

She’d promised herself she wouldn’t do this anymore. But here she was again. She shuffled her body back into the curve of the park bench and began rifling through her bag. Pulling out an apple and battered old book, she settled in for the wait. The brim of her hat dipped low, obscuring her face, allowing her to hide the true focus of her attention. She glanced at her watch. Nearly twelve. Any time now. Her gaze slid left to the path as it curved out from the trees. And there he was. For a moment, the world was him.

“Come back to me.”

“I’ll try.”

“Promise.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Please? Promise me.”

“I promise I’ll try.”

“It’s not enough.”
“It’s the best I can do.”

“Don’t go. Stay.”

“Don’t say that. Not now.”

“You could. If you wanted to, you could.”
“Don’t start again. You know I would. But…”

“But you can’t.”

“I can’t.”

“I know.”

“Come here.”

“Can’t we stay like this? Just a moment longer.”

“Just a moment. Don’t cry.”

“I’m not. I’m not.”

“Give me a smile. One more smile.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. Show me that smile. That’s the one.”

“Come back to me?”

“I’ll try.”

He said the words. They were ash in his mouth. He smiled. He raised his glass. The champagne soured against his lips. No one noticed. They complimented him instead. The music jarred in his ears. But he kept up the pretence. He watched the dance floor, smile in place. Watched her move in someone else’s arms. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs. She was so beautiful. He’d thought so from the first. Why hadn’t he told her? But each time he’d let the chance slip by, thinking there’d be more. He’d been wrong. She should’ve been his.

Wow... is that a winning streak I see?

2009-08-25T13:28:00.004+09:30

Huzzah for my Sunday netball team!
We won!
31 to 30.
And that's with me playing GS for the entire first half.
I even managed to shoot two goals! (Out of the four... maybe five attempts I had during the whole time.) I definitely did a better job in the second quarter than the first... mainly cos I had a better idea of what I was doing and fed the ball to Ty more effectively.

The second half saw me back in the comfort zone of GK... and even I managed to twice position myself in such a way as to force the GA into contact on me - thus getting me the ball from him, in the circle and sending it back down towards our end of the court. I confess to warm fuzzy feelings more because this led to Ty yelling out in appreciation: "That's what I'm talking about, MissE!" or "That's the way, MissE!" (something like that) than because I caused a turn over... although that was good too. :o)

Plus there was the not-inconsiderable *sigh* moments of having Ty showing me how to set up a good hold as a GS... by standing right against me... *many many many sighs* ...his body against mine... at my back, on my side, against my front... and somehow still I managed to concentrate on what he was telling me... mostly.

But the thing that is doing our heads in is that this is the fifth game in a row we've won: the last three games of last season and the first two games of this new season. Mind you... next week we're up against one of the teams that finished top last season. And they kicked our butts alllll over the court whenever we faced them. However, I think we will give them more of a challenge this time around. I have faith.

I don't have the same faith in the Tuesday night team... full court game, and even though four of the players are from the Sunday team, we're nowhere near as successful. The loss of Ty (he can only play sporadically for this team cos of other netball commitments) makes a huge difference but it's also the loss of Sk's sister and the inclusion of a couple of players who can be frustrating to play with on court. And I feel like such a bitch writing that... but seriously, when you can function better as a team when someone is NOT on the court... it can be so frustrating because they are a genuinely nice person but when they stand on court like a dead tree... you want to scream. And do not even get me started on our GA and his walk off court because he was pissed off by shitty umpiring. But - all that aside... I do love getting out on the court and playing with these guys. I may love Sundays more... but Tuesdays are super social and fun.

Hmmm - I better go do some readings and job applications...
later.

Random Verbage #37: it's a long one...

2009-08-23T15:59:00.000+09:30

so it's been forever hasn't it?
What can I say?
I've been a busy girl. ;o)

It's been a rather full month and a biut since I last sat down to really try and bring my loyal followers (all two of you... well, the two official ones - you know who you are... loves and kisses to you both) up-to-date.

Right. So what has been going on, I hear you wonder... well, here's some random verbage to bring you into the know.

* As alluded to in an earlier post, I'm no longer a tea-totaller. Don't get me wrong... I'm not a piss pot by any stretch of the imagination... but I am no longer able to say "I don't drink alcohol" without it being a dirty dirty dirty lie. Back in April I had a little bit of vodka with Ty, Sk and J after the opening night of the show from hell but it really wasn't anything. BUT... then there was Sk and her sister, B's get together in mid-July...

* On my little sis' advice I went with the Absolut Vanila Vodka with Sprite on ice... and it was ever so nice. And I got ever so happy... not really what I would call drunk. Just very very buzzed and highly entertained by everything. Much to the amusement of the gathered 20-somethings... apparently I am a very 'charming' inebriated person, I tell people I love them with total sincerity, and I laugh at everything. And then there's the fact that it (alcohol) does tend to lower my barriers more than a little. No, no, don't panic, folks. Nothing that serious. But I did end up curled up on the couch, curled up on El... one of the 20 year olds I've met through the netball gang. He was such a sweetie. Wrapped his arm around me. A real gentleman. Of course, all his mates thought it was very interesting... one of them apparently even wondered if El and I were going to "hook" up... another has since commented that they don't know that El would even know what to do. But meh to that. He was kind to the 'old' lady at the party and I appreciated it.

* But he's not Ty. And try as I might... I can't shake that man out of my head.

* A couple of weeks after the party, Sk and I ended up out at Ty's to sit with him while he got really drunk after one of his best mates from netball hooked up with the girl Ty's had a crush on for near-on 2 years... even though he knew how Ty felt about her. I've never seen Ty so heartbroken. And a week (I think) after that... Sk, her sister, and I went around to Ty's again. This time, I drank with Ty and Br (Sk was our designated Dave)... and I drank way too fast... and yes, I ended up with my head over the toilet at Ty's place for two or more hours. Oh the embarrassment. Ty's mum saw me and everything. I was sooo miserable. And Ty and Sk were so good to me. Don't get me wrong. They thought it was hilarious... and it was ...but they were also so caring and kind. When Sk left to take Br home, Ty sat with me by the toilet (I refused to leave the toilet, no matter how much they asked, no matter how cold I was - it was teh only thing I wouldn't do for Ty... until he managed to make me do it, to get into Sk's car... he walked me the whole way... and I know I said some stuff to him that I would reallllly like to remember), rubbed my back as I vomited, got a hair-elastic to hold my hair back (and put it in my hair cos I couldn't coordinate myself to do it), and let me lean on him. And when Sk came back, she took over the caring for me bit... (and there are things she's going to be taking to the grave... well, to my grave, cos she's got permission to tell the story when I'm dead.) Ty kept making me drink water, taking away the bottle to refill it every time I emptied it, no matter how much I protested. I can't believe I let myself get that drunk that quick. It was ridiculous. *sigh* But hey - if you're gonna jump back into drinking with friends... you might as well get the puking part out of the way nice and early and in the company of good mates who will look after you... and laugh with you.

* Honestly... I think that I would do pretty much anything that Ty asked me to do. *sigh* How did that happen?

* Things have been... interesting, I guess is the right word for it. I finished the MA in late July, graduated in early August. And I'm a bit disappointed by the final result... I mean, yeah, sure I got over 70 (just) but the comments were a bit... :o( But as Ty pointed out, you're not a real author until you've got at least 15 rejection letters on your desk. ;o) Gotta love the guy. I'm not giving up. I just need to get on track, and get writing. Besides, everything that the markers said about my work, wasn't anything I haven't had Ty and Sk say already... it's just I thought I'd dealt with it. But hey - I've got two awesome editors all of my very own. ;oP

* With the MA over I had that moment of "Oh god... what now?" and have ended up in a Grad Dip Library and Info Management. Thank god for my awesome parents... I'm applying for retail jobs like crazy but no joy so far and I can't do teaching and this study... it just won't work... so my parents are supporting me. There are moments when that is wonderful and then there are the ones when it sucks something awful. Don't get me wrong - my folks are wonderful people. But they are unbelievably gifted at making you feel really bad about something that they've just told you not to feel bad about. And neither of them know what to do with me sometimes - I'm all emotions and empathy and they are both all control and 'get-over-it'.

* After Graduation, Ty and Sk came back to my place and the three of us proceeded to get very very very very 'happy' ... Sk had her gin and tonic, Ty and I split a bottle of ... Vanila Vodka. Yes... a whole bottle. Between the two of us. Okay, Sk had a couple of shots too... but for the most part it was me and Ty. And things got... interesting. Very flirty. Very ... what my mate Bec calls 'highschool'. She reckons I'm having all the fun of my late teens/early 20s that I didn't have at the actual time. But there were a couple of moments where Ty made my heart leap and pound. One of the best lines of the night was when he and I were sitting, staring at each other and he said, "We're both far too sober to be staring into each other's eyes like this." And we were... even after the large amount of alcohol. We were both pretty sober and the stare had some serious weight to it... if I had just a little more courage? daring? fearlessness? I think I would have crossed the short space between us in a heartbeat. But I didn't. And Sk was sitting right there. And regardless of what she and I have discussed about Ty and the fact that we both like him... there are things you just don't do.

* Mind you - he did kiss me at one point in the evening. Nothing serious. Closed lips. But it took me by surprise. And it's hard to explain how it happened. Because out of the context of the evening, without the atmosphere of the moment... it just fails to translate. But it was a fun night. We played a board game called "Dirty Minds" - which really isn't as cool as it sounds. We had a big old geek-fest and played "Hero Quest" - you should have seen the light in Ty's eyes and the smile on his face when I brought it up. We also played a bunch of card games and just sat around and talked and laughed.

* There have been many netball games since I last wrote. And we've lost some. And won some. Most importantly, the Sunday indoor team won our "grand final" for last season... and we don't care that it was us (ranked 5th) against the team that won the game between 6th and 7th. What matters is that we had a really fun time and that ... we got awesome socks!

* Mind you, you should have seen the team that we played against in the "preliminary" final - talk about poor bloody sports. We'd played them the previous week, initially we only had 6 on court cos Ty was running late and so the opposition were beating us pretty well. But then for the second half we had Ty and his awesome netball skills and we ended up beating them. They didn't take it well then. So the following week, when we stepped onto court with Ty from the get go... well, you can imagine, right? They were such a physically aggressive team. I thought the GS in the first quarter was going to kill me. And then the GA in the third quarter nearly took my face off with the ball at one point. Their centre got sent off for mouthing off to the umpire. They were convinced that Al was totally biased to us because he and Ty happen to be mates. Which is total shit cos the number of times Al's called against us is HUGE! but the poor sports were looking for any excuse to bitch about why they were getting beaten by us. Don't think they'll be back this season.

* I'm loving netball. Love it even though we get beaten pretty much ever Tuesday night and are at about 50/50 on our Sundays. And I love training on Wednesdays. Ty runs us through the drills he's picked up over the years, or learned that week from his state or uni teams. :oP Mind you, poor old Sk... she's gone and fractured her wrist and is now all fiberglass cast-bearing for four weeks. How did she manage that? Running backwards in a training drill last Wednesday. *sigh* Poor girl. No netball. No work. Nada. For four weeks. That sucks.

* Things haven't been all sunshine and puppies though.

* A few of weeks back, I got a message through Facebook from an ex-student to let me know that his mum, who's been battling cancer (in her spine initially) for the past 2 and a half years, had been diagnosed with brain cancer and given at most six weeks to live. How shit is that? I was gutted for the family. I know them pretty well. Taught the oldest and all three were in my House group. I worked with their dad. And their mum... such a cool woman. And so J, the oldest gives me their home number and says "Dad'll be home tonight if you want to call." What do you do? Well, if you're me... you call. You talk to S (the dad) for a while and then, when he puts his wife on, and you can hear just how far gone she is, you talk to her and hold back the tears and try to think of what you can say that doesn't sound trite and meaningless. Language can be really useless sometimes, you know?

*Sk and Ty took me driving that night. We went up to the Eagle on the Hill lookout and I screamed and then Ty held me while I cried and Sk stroked my head. They're amazing. I'm pretty damn lucky, I reckon. Cos then we drove back to Ty's and sat out in Sk's car and Ty got us laughing and just messing about, shaking me out of my grief as best he knew how. For 22... he's unbelievably wise.

* But the hits kept coming. A former co-worker contacted me through Facebook (gotta love the way it puts you in touch, right?) to ask me to call him. So I did. And turns out that an ex-student has just revealed that they were sexually molested by another member of staff. I was so angry. So horrified. So not entirely surprised... and that's the worst part of it. I've met with the student. I've spent over an hour ont he phone to the Child Abuse hotline people seeking help/advice. I've had to call the Sexual Crimes Investigation Bureau. All because DOCS in WA were saying "Oh, the complaint needs to be filed where ever the child/complainant is now..." Thus my involvement.

* Skye and I went driving that night.

* And two weeks back - the wonderful mum died. Leaving behind three great sons and a pretty fab husband. And a hole in the world. Ty came over. Sat with me. And just talked for three hours or more. He really gives the most amazing hugs. I feel utterly safe in his arms. I couldn't cry that night. Couldn't get the tears to flow. But he just talked to me until I was calm. I don't know why it is, but he can calm me better than anyone I know, he can make me laugh, he can frustrate the shit out of me, he amazes me, he intrigues me, he comforts me, he pushes me, he makes me want to be a better person... I'm so fucked.

* Honestly, if it isn't him... then I want to know who it is... because ... the bar is so set now. And if there is no one... then I don't care.

* As shown by the previous posts - I've been having some fairly social weekends of late - nights out with the gang. It's been fun. Last night was a good one too - spent the day and evening at netball with Sk, and Ty's mum, V, watching Grand Finals. And then we (me and Sk) were meant to be going bowling... 'cept her sister forgot to book us an actual lane... mwhahaha. So we three and the three guys (I, Ad and Ca) all ended up back at the girls' place to play a card game called "Barthog" and then Boggle. With drinks. It was ... fun. I suck at Boggle. Almost as much as I suck at Lexulous (online sort of scrabble) - where Ty kicks my arse on a regular occasion.

* Alrighty - I think that's most things... and I've a netball game to get to! So I shall love you and leave you, my fabulous folk.

Later

Just a couple more...

2009-08-17T10:26:00.005+09:30

Saturday night. A 21st Birthday celebration at a very nice cocktail lounge. I was driving. So I had two cocktails early in the evening (an un-named concoction of vanilla vodka, something gold coloured, cranberry juice, and apple juice plus a "Honey Ryder" which is based on the 42 BElow Manuka Honey Vodka and was seriously nice) and left the rest of the night for sobering up again... except for that shot that the birthday boy got all of us to have later in the evening... something called a "French Pussy" which tasted surprisingly nice. ;o)

Me and the delightful I. He's a total sweetheart, who insisted that I have a photo taken. Why is it that all the nice guys I know here are at minimum 12 years younger than me? *Miss E shakes fist at the universe and it's sense of humour* Mind you, his brother is a total idiot.

Not a shot of me that I am all that fond of, I have to admit. I look at it and can't help but think "God, you are so fat!" which is stupid because I know that I'm not, not like I was. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm never going to be some skinny supermodel-esque woman. I'm not built to look like that. But I think it's made worse by the expression on my face. God knows what I was saying to poor El. He looks a bit defensive, doesn't he? But check out the cheeky grin on Sk! The guy directly behind her, C, had (possibly still has) a bit of a crush on her. Even asked her out a date... to which she said yes, not realising that it was, in fact, a date. Poor girl. Poor guy. Stupid universe, stupid emotions and their inability to sync up.

Right. Later!

While you're waiting...

2009-08-15T12:33:00.004+09:30

I present.... Photos of Me (that I don't utterly hate!)

So, last weekend I was out for a pre-21st on the Friday night and a 22nd on the Saturday. Tonight I'm going out for the formal celebrations of the 21st ... yes, there are moments when I go "OMG! I'm so old!" but they are few and far between to be honest.Me and Sk - Saturday night. I love me Sk! She's got to be one of my closest friends, hands down. This is not the greatest shot of either of us but Saturday night needed some representation. She and I will hitting the cocktail lounge again tonight. And I will be having at least one cocktail. YEs, that's right, folks. MissE has jumped off the tea-totaller wagon with a vengeance. (Details will eventuate, I promise.)

K and me - Friday night. K's a total sweetheart - and an awesome netballer. She's at least 2, maybe 3 inches taller than me and has been having such a soap opera of a love life lately. Honestly, some guys can really reinforce that "Men suck" stereotype with barely any effort whatsoever.

Me and Ki - she's sooo tiny! And a really great chick. Poor thing, organised all these netball teams and then can't play cos her ankle is rooted. It has to suck so much because she loves her sport but she comes to every match to support the teams, which I think shows her true spirit and character.

So, yeah- I'm hanging with the (barely) 20-somethings and loving it.

Hope you're all having a great weekend.
Later

2009-08-01T17:57:00.002+09:30

I am highly amused that this post which is 3 years old now is the one that has garnered the most "attention" from people who are not regular readers of my little old blog. It is this post that actualy got referenced by an online journalist for some American newspaper. My 10 seconds of internet noticed-ness. Yay for me. It is also the post that got me my one and only troll of any note... cos I don't think that weird spam of bizarre religious wordage that cropped up a couple of years ago counts.

Anyway, folks, I am still alive. I am planning on doing an update soon. But the new Uni studies (yes, I have finished the MA and decided that it wasn't enough I needed MOAR study!!!) are pretty full on and seem destined to gobble up my time.

Netball season is almost over... but that's okay cos the next one starts in two weeks! WOOOO!

Something rare...

2009-06-25T01:54:00.001+09:30

a photo of me that I actually like.

Random Verbage #36: the past week...

2009-06-22T15:06:00.004+09:30

Well... it has been a while, hasn't it?
nearly two weeks in fact
so what have I been doing.. besides forgetting the concept of capitals?

most frequently I've been hanging about with a group of people who were being born right around the time I was starting high school. I know! Right? But mst of the time I don't give a shit. Hell, I generally forget the age difference and just enjoy the great company. ANd it is great company. I've met these fine people through Sk, who knows them through her younger sister. I go and watch them play netball once a week and then hang out with them afterwards. Usually at a local Maccas where I completely fail at the fast food concept by buying a little bag of apple slices and an OJ. Last week we had a blast. Actually got asked to be quiet by the staff... pfft to them I say! Super cool this week is that I get to play on one of the two teams that members of the group play on. "Him" plays on it sometimes too - but prolly not this week coz it's an earlier game and he has prior commitments to another team.

It was a fairly busy week last week.
Monday I went and visited Sk at work for a bit and scored a shite load of free breads and bakery goods. My freezer is now full of scones, bap rolls, bbq meat pizzas, loaves of bread...

Tuesday was the hang out with the whipper-snappers night

Wednesday I went and saw "Sunshine Cleaning" with Sk. Very very very good movie. A real "slice" of life sort of indie film with excellent performances all around. If you want a movie that doesn't spoon feed you every single drop of information and also entertains you, makes you think... go see this movie. Then in the afternoon I went and picked T up for netball training with most of the netball 'gang' - I love training. T is our 'coach' and he's a damn good one. Then I drove him back to the sports centre so he could umpire and play on another of his teams. Oh, and while I was hanging out with Sk I went to Jeanswest and tried on a pair of the jeans that I use as a visual/physical gauge of where I'm at in the weight loss/fitness thing. Anyway, back in May I had to buy size 18s (as some of you might recall) coz the size 20s were falling off. Well the size 18s are now falling down so I tried on a pair of size 16s... AND THEY FIT ME!

Thursday I did some work on the MA task and then that night went to see Ross Noble live with Sk and one of the netball crew, Ian. Damn me but Ross Noble is a funny (very weird and strange), funnnny guy. Laughed so hard my face hurt. Oh yeah... and I had a job interview for a teaching position. BUt as much as the interview went really well and I'm fairly positive (which is highly unusual for me) that I would have gotten the job, I did a pre-emptive turn down viz my recruiting agency. I just don't think it was the right job. INsane, right? IN the current economic environment? But for the amount of money and the amount of time... so not worth it.

Friday I had lunch in town with Sk and T - but I was a bit low spirited. During the day I found out I didn't get a library job I'd gone for and only missed ut on it by a little bit. Plus there are times when being around him are difficult... hard on the heart. I think I was also nervous about going Speed Dating that night. I wanted to give it another go to try and meet men who aren't him. It wasn't a good night.
None of the guys really sparked any major interest for me... and while I got three matches, I don't expect to hear from them as I nominated them for "friends" matches not date ones. But I don't know if there were no sparks purely because none of the guys appealed to me or because my head and heart are so full of him that I'm blind to anything else.
*sigh*
Stupid universe.
Anyway, after that I had Sc's farewell to get to... and that was even worse. Way too many people in a smallish space freaks me out and guess what I walked into? Sc knows alot of people! He was well drunk by the time I got there. His little sis and parents were there too. So I spent the time talking to them - mainly coz I didn't know anyone else there and I'm not great at talking to strangers in loud crowded situations. Which led to Sc's dad making some comments that upset me. Coz he doesn't think.
Long story, at the bass player's farewell a few weeks back G (their dad) had the video camera out and I spent most of the evening avoiding it. BUt he got footage of me at the food, getting a sausage in bread and apparently made some comment along the lines of "And here's MissE, feeding her face as usual" which I didn't hear but all you see is me see the camera and run away. So he keeps feeling like it's funny to tell people this story when he sees me. Great huh?
And then in a conversation with one of his nephews we were talking about how my folks are supporting me and how his kids don't want his money. I said that I don't exactly want my mum's money either but it's that or starve and his comment was "So, when's the starvation diet starting?" yeah... I felt really good.
SO I bugged out of there as soon as I could and eventually ended up at Sk's coz I just couldn't sit at home and be alone. She txted T and he came over too. We sat in Sk's room til 4am-ish, me curled up in the foetal position for a bulk of the evening. *sigh*

Saturday - me and Sk went to watch the home games for T's indoor netball club. love watching netball. seriously. plus it means we get to hang out with his mum for a couple of hours and she's awesome.

Sunday - worked on the MA task and then picked up Sk's sister to go to our netball game. We ended up playing two games back-to-back and we won both of them! Two games! One after the other! and we really dominated the game... mind you, both teams are below us on the ladder and when we play the teams above us they smash us. So it all evens out. Oh and I went for a walk/jog in the morning... so my poor body got seriously worked over yesterday!

But all the exercise is paying off coz I weighed myself today after going for another walk/jog and I'm at 104kg! So that's another 1.5kg off in two or so weeks. Yay me! Bring on 100kg! I worked it out the other day - since just before October 2006 I've gotten rid of 22kg. And given that I think I was well over 130kg at the start of that year... I've actually gotten rid of more than that.

Anyway, better go do some writing and stop looking at the Chat panel of my Facebook where I can see T's name and the little grey half circle that means he's around somewhere but not "there"... like last night where me and Sk sat on our respective msn's chatting and staring at the T (Away) wishing it would change to (Available)... in so many more ways than one.

Okay - really going now... dragging my pathetic arse off to write creatively.

later

INVASION!!!

2009-06-10T21:33:00.001+09:30

I swear it was HUGE!!!
At least 10cm - lurking under the lid of the bin.
I confess... I squealed.

Update on the ouchy...

2009-06-08T16:00:00.002+09:30

The swollen middle finger... I don't exactly have skinny fingers but this poor little thing is looking like a stuffed sausage.

The bruise seems to have gone down a bit since this morning... prolly should re-tape it. But it was feeling sore in the tape. :o(

Mind you it feels sore regardless. I think the poor middle joint got seriously whacked by the downward pressure from the ball yesterday.

MissE's got an ouchy...

2009-06-07T22:32:00.003+09:30

The perils of playing netball...
My poor middle finger copped it but good at netball today.
And not even during the game.
This happened when we were practising before.
Ad and I both went for a ball and somehow I caught the full force of it onto my finger - and then played the game with out worrying about it.
Well, when we all went to sit down afterwards I noticed that the finger was hurting and then realised that it was swelling up. (It's kind of hard to tell with my fingers sometimes... they're not exactly small.)
So on the way home tonight I bought some tape at the Chemists.
The look on the face of the girl behind the counter when she saw it was classic!
She was horrified.
If it's still this sore tomorrow, I'll try to get a doctor's appointment. I don't fancy my chances though.
I'm fine... so long as I don't try to straighten it.
And it's making typing... fun.

I love playing netball.
And Mixed Indoor is AWESOME!
We won today - 33 to 8!
That's our third win so far.
Yay us!
I love our team.
The fact that T and Sk play on it? BONUS!

later

Rest in Peace, Mr Eddings.

2009-06-04T11:29:00.002+09:30

Well, that's another creator of wonderful fantasy realms gone off to the next one.
I still remember when A and the uni/jump-point gang gave me the entire Belgariad for my birthday and followed it up with the Mallorean for Christmas.
Eddings' stuff may be more simple fare in some ways than that of Tolkien or Jordan or Feist... but it is great fun to read.

Him.

2009-05-28T18:01:00.004+09:30

Tuesday night.
After netball.
Sk stole my camera. ;oP
T and I are not holding hands... he's restraining me from running away from the camera.
It was a ... strange night.

I ended up walking out on them and driving home upset because they'd teamed up in teasing me about some stuff that after a couple of jokes became too much to cope with and I couldn't work out how to tell them. There was nothing malicious on their part. And they were five minutes behind me when I got home. Literally. I walked in the door, collapsed in a heap on the floor and five minutes later they were there. I let them in. T pretty much took one look at me and just pulled me into a hug. A long long long hug. God, I could stay in his hugs forever. But I was shaking like a leaf. Couldn't stop for ages.

Good news is that we're all okay now. I really love these two.

Update: Added another photo - this time from the ones that Sk took with her mobile. I actually quite like me in this one. Except for that damn double chin. ;oP

Cooking with MissE

2009-05-27T21:28:00.005+09:30

Made dinner for the folks tonight.
Tried to make this recipe.

Unfortunately, I only realised after I'd already added it to the sauce, that the sweet chili sauce had garlic in it. And I can't eat garlic anymore. :o(

And then when Mum started eating it she discovered that it was too chili for her to eat. So double :o(

But Dad enjoyed it. And he's got lots of leftovers to have for lunch tomorrow and prolly even Thursday.

Step 3 required me to 'fry' the chicken pieces. I'm not good with frying. Putting things is all that oil makes me queasy. So I prolly didn't use enough oil... and things stuck to the pan. All of this is what I scraped off the bottom of the pan after I'd taken the chicken out. Ewwww. And then my Dad came in the kitchen and ate most of it! He is so bad about that sort of stuff. I can't help but worry about his health. He really does need to lose weight. But it's not my place to tell him. :o(

This is what the first half of step four in the recipe looked like...

And here is the final product as served to the parents. (I ended up eating rice and vegies no chicken for MissE.)

I have no ability to perceive myself objectively... but then who the hell does?

2009-05-22T19:45:00.005+09:30

So I got my hair tidied up and styled today. Mainly coz I'm off to a farewell bash for the bass player in around 15 minutes. But also coz I have a job interview on Tuesday and the hair was starting to look all medusa-y again.

And, as per usual, when confronted with my wild mess of hair, the hairdresser succumbed to the deep need to straighten and bring order to the fuzz.
I present: my straight hair (again.) But a night out at the bass player's place... where the girl who screwed him will also be... needed a new cool casual look. So I took some of that nice Mr Rudd's money and spended it on new tops!!! So tonight I'm rocking the layered look... with my "boyfriend" cut jeans and my boots. The jeans rock coz they're a style I couldn't even get into last year. And now I can and I think they look pretty damn sweet. I'll be honest and say that I still have a hard tome looking at photos of myself. And part of me looks at this next one and just thinks "fat arse" but at the same time, I know that I am not the same size as I was this time last year. I know I'm smaller. According to the scales in mum's bathroom I'm down to 107kg. Which is cool. And I'm still aiming for the 100 by Christmas.

Anyway... here's me in tonight's outfit:

What do you think? Will people be impressed? Will the bass player have just a moment of regret over opportunities missed? Will that girl have a moment of "wow... she really is a threat to me?" And is it wrong that I'm going with that as my partial motivation?
Coz I'm not evil... not one little bit... really.... I swear... see? No horns here. ;o)

Random Verbage #35

2009-05-14T23:30:00.000+09:30

Sometimes I think my head might explode from the amount of thinking that goes on in there.

I am occasionally disturbed by the dark nature of some of the stories that I write or that I have in my head to write.

I don't want to teach full time again. Ever. Or at least not for an unbelievably long time.

Relief teaching in private systems of education is a pretty cruisy way to earn money. That said - only having gotten 6 days of work so far this year kinda sucks.

I hangout late on MSN just waiting for him to appear online. And then I stay up late chatting with him and the third member of our little group. I don't mind sharing him with her. But I wish he would come over one more time. Sit on my couch with me again. But I don't think that will happen again.

I've applied for a library job. I'm hoping a) it is a cool as it sounds in the ad and b) that I get an interview at least... and the job at best.

I need to knuckle down and do some serious writing - the MA task is due at the end of June.

I love the feeling of his fingers when he tickles my side.

I'm down to around 107kg.

I'm fitting into size 18 clothes from ordinary clothing sections, instead of the specialty "big-girls" shops.

I'm playing netball on the weekends with him and S (our third). I love S. She is an awesome friend. We get along so well. And we can talk about him together. She's much closer to his age than me. The three of us have so much fun together. I'd be okay if he wanted to date her.

Do you think anyone has pointed out to Bega cheese that their logo makes it look like they spell their name B E Q A?

I'm really bummed that I won't be able to be at the party for my fave uncle's 70th birthday next month. But it is just too expensive to get there and to find somewhere to put Bart for the 4-5 days I'd be away. And my fave cousin is over from the UK and everything. :o(

I had some cheese (Castello White - yummmmmmm) on biscuits half an hour ago... which means I need to stay up for another hour and a half to ensure digestion happens or something like that. And i should really have my Yakult stuff now too.

I might be going to see "The Phantom of the Opera" next week with the singer from the Fringe production band. He and I are having coffee tomorrow to see if we can get tickets.

I got to play a game of netball Tuesday night. I'd gone along to watch S's team play and then her sister B's team. But the opposing team for B's team forfeited and so they decided to play a 'friendly' game against S's team instead. And I got to play. In jeans. And totally the wrong bra for sport. I played three of the four quarters. I love netball. I love playing it when the people on the court are serious about it but also able to have fun at the same time. I can't stand playing with people who are so focused on the win that they forget that games should be fun too.

This weekend S and I are going to go watch him play in the men's team competition. I'm really looking forward to it for three reasons - 1) hang out with S, 2) watch him play (he looks ever so good on court - he's got very very very very nice legs) and 3) I get to see fourteen guys play netball.

Have been having the really unhappy realisation lately that the fourth member of our little group is bringing us down and throwing a big old wet blanket on our get togethers. Thankfully, I have S to talk to about this stuff. So I know it isn't just me. I'm not going mad.

My heart leaps just a little when I see his name pop up on my MSN alert.

My heart leaps a lot when I see him.

And I know that it is all in vain. But still. My heart leaps. My stomach flips. And I can dream.